New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
