so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
