He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
