I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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