I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
