I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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