My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
