i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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