You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Randomize
