its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together