apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?