i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
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i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor