so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
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You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
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did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.