I wish you could order shots online.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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