When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
