why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
