Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
