Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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