return my video game
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
