Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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