Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
