You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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