never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
