I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
