Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
