last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize