Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
