If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
