She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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