She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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