Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
