Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
