maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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