I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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