Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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