i would punch a child for taco bell
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
