We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
