I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
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Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
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Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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