Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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