We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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