dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
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He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
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What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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