Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
