Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
