You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my shit smells like andre
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
