I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
