i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
