She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
