I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
