Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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