Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
