She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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