I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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