Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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