Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
