I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
