Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
