I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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