How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
