Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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