literally had 100 drinks last night.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
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I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
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Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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