i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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